Confession #13

Know thyself.

I'm enrolled in a class, writing persuasively, that I was really looking forward to. That is until it became a tool for my "nemesis."
The semester started out easy enough, I loved what I was learning. The professor wanted us to keep a daily journal and write about what angers us. Easy enough for me, I have Ex and Warthog to write about. Easy enough until three weeks ago. We had turned in our first essay which was based on our journal entries. She then "flipped the coin" and instructed us that we are now to write from the other perspective. In short, I was to argue Ex's side. Thus began the unraveling.
Anxiety, stress, emotion on the cusp of spilling over...I quickly felt the emotional turmoil this assignment was causing. I don't want to be weak, I want to face my dragons and make them impotent. But how many battles do I take on at the same time? I deal daily with Ex, even if only through my children. I am in the process of going to court with Ex. I've no one in my corner, literally, who will pick up my "sword" and let me rest. I've stress 24/7 regarding my children, school and group assignments with partners that want to benefit/coast on my efforts, figuring out how I'll pay my bills, billing departments calling and demanding payment for what Ex is supposed to be paying for, children's doctor appointments, children's other appointments, having to report appointments to Ex, children who'd rather be with their father or brother (father and brother who don't really want them) and no one who wants to be with me. Add to that, family members who don't know what "loyalty" means, a mother who doesn't check on me, sisters who don't connect with me, (is it because I left the church?). I'm a woman in a community that doesn't protect me, without a church that never protected me and I am without a father who would have chuckled before reminding me not to sweat the small stuff and that it's all small stuff. Only, however, after he reminded me that people don't care so take care of yourself.
Add to the fact that I have to write from Ex's perspective that I intuitively don't trust the professor, that I don't feel "safe" in their class, I've decided this weekend to drop it and take a "W."
Now my battle is internal. Have I let myself down? Did I chicken out? Am I a coward?
I tell myself that the answer to all of those questions is, "No." Part of being a strong woman is knowing which battles to fight and how to take care of yourself. This class is not the battle that I'm fighting. It is, however, a potential source of self-mutilation, to which I don't subscribe, and a weapon to benefit Ex. This class was elective and not part of my degree. I'd rather take the three credit setback than to weaken my emotional health to prove I'm strong. Sometimes being strong means walking away. And in the words of an unknown person, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."