Confession #7

I'm sitting with my boys, watching them play xbox games with their brother, who lives 1600 miles away, when I hear Ex's voice on my daughters phone. She has it on speaker. He's outside at the curb waiting for them. They gather their things and say, "Bye Mom," as they walk out the door.
I'm stunned. Numb. What's going on? I was fine. I've been fine for days so why all of a sudden am I wanting to cry. I remain on the couch and begin to discretely wipe away tears that betray me. Several minutes go by and the tears, one tiny trail after another, continue to fall when my 16 year old asks me whats wrong. "Nothing, I'm good." I reply, amazed he noticed. He doesn't buy it. Soon all three boys are inquiring and I finally say that I'm fine, and that it doesn't matter, it's silly. A moment later I feel emotion rising and I go to my room, again trying to reassure my boys who aren't buying it.
In my room I'm sobbing. One part of my brain is swimming in emotion as another part is standing back asking, "What in the hell is going on?" I'm caught off-guard by my own emotion. I'm not in love with Ex, so why? I get irritated just by his presence. He's a zealot. An abuser. A no-good lying, smooth-faced hypocrite! So what is going on?
I don't know how long I lay there sobbing when I finally recover enough to decide I need movies. I get up and go to the video store and rent five movies. "The Color Purple," "To The Wonder," "Fried Green Tomatoes," "It Happened One Night," and then, don't laugh, "Marry in a Year." No, I don't even want to marry in five years but Patti Stanger gives a lot of great advice that empowers women so I was hoping to glean some of her wisdom to pick me up now.
I go home, watch the first movie, and tell my boys not to wake me up when they leave in the morning, and fall asleep.
Saturday morning I hear the boys. They've not left yet and I've not slept in as hoped. I go out, and say goodbye to them, reminding them to behave and have a good time. They scoff as they walk out the door. I sit down in the living room and begin to escape watching cable.
My mind keeps taking me to Ex. He's probably getting dressed. My little girls are getting dressed with Victims twin. They're at the church by now. Who else is there? What does she look like? I decide to journal when I look at the clock and realize it's exactly 11am. The time of their ceremony, appropriate. I write my goodbye's to our marriage. To him. What would never be. What was. And on with my own life, vowing to love, nurture, strengthen, and heal all the areas of my heart, life, and spirit. 
They're probably kissing now. I think to myself. Throughout the day I'm crying, watching movies, and journaling. In writing I realize it's the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Yes, I know, I have a lot of "final nails" in my confessions. I'm not in love with Ex, really. It's that my life, the one of having babies with my one true love, raising a family with my one true love, growing old with my one true love as we watch our grandchildren play, only marrying one time...that's all gone. And being loved, honored, and cherished...that was over. 
My children come home with the dog and ask what I'm watching. It's the "Marry in a Year" dvd and I try to brush it off as something it's not when my daughter picks up the box and reads it. She laughs saying, "Dad didn't need that dvd." Stab in my chest. "What do you mean?" I ask nonchalant, thinking we've been divorced for several years before he got remarried, today. "Well, he and Victim haven't even known each other nine months and now he's married!" she states with a brag-ish tone, pounding the knife further into my chest. 
Confirmation that he never really loved me. Confirmation that I was replaceable. Confirmation that I was right, as I had suspected throughout our marriage. That I was just a body filling a position for him so he could live life as he wanted.
They say you can only know love to the degree that you love yourself. I know that Ex is very limited. He couldn't give me what he didn't have. What I so desperately needed from him. To be loved, accepted, cherished, adored, supported, respected, honored, and so much more yet...I have to apply, just as in algebra, to the right what I've distributed to the left. I can only love others to the degree that I love myself, and...I can only know that love if I am it's true counterpart. 
More tears, more sadness, but no more blame. At least not for this. If I had loved myself the way I desired to receive love, the type of love, maybe I wouldn't be here. Lucky me. Armed with this new and painful truth, I could make changes in my life. More importantly, I could make changes within. I have already begun to celebrate and honor myself in small ways. Now I had a mission to fall in love, with myself, completely, effortlessly, cherishing, adoring, supporting, respecting, honoring, and valuing, every aspect of me. As Carl Gustav Jung says, "Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside, awakes." Good morning.