Confession #19

Mediation took place this last week and I have to say that I was not surprised. I did feel hopeful for about five seconds during the process but that was soon dashed with the reality of who I was dealing with.
The mediator was nice but I grew angry when she tried to sell me on a deal that was basically status quo. She tried to tell me it was more than I would get in court and she may be right. But after much debate I told her, and my attorney, that I would rather lose in a court in front of a judge than to sell my soul to him. That the deal he offered would make me his bitch and that was not going to happen on my watch. That I've tried to be nice with him and Ratface. I've tried and to agree to what they offered would be tantamount to psychological suicide.
So court it is. I probably will lose, given that I live in a community that has the "good ol' boy" mentality. The judicial system here would rather lie with filth and wash each others back with the blood of those they continue to victimize rather than to stand for the justice to which they swore they'd seek for the people and community they serve.
So...sacrificial lamb, I am not. Fed up and tired, I am.
When I lose, I will scrape myself up off the floor with my head held high. I will dare the offenders to look me in the eye. I will spit on the court steps (unless it's illegal and then I'll just think about it but because I'm bad at spitting that's probably what will end up happening anyway), and I will move on knowing that I've done everything that I can to right the wrong. That I've done all I can to fight for myself and that, while this loss is painful and symbolic in so many ways, there are greater fields out there for me to fight on and the battle lost to Ex is insignificant because either way, I win in the end. I am not bound to his tierany, or that of his wives. I will move somewhere far when I'm done with my education and I will forget that they exist (except in the lives of my children, of course).
As I sat in a church meeting today I was going through my little pocket notebook and came across a quote by Antonio Machado.

"Traveler, there is no path,
the path must be forged as you walk.

Traveller, the path is your tracks
And nothing more.
Traveller, there is no path
The path is made by walking.
By walking you make a path
And turning, you look back
At a way you will never tread again
Traveller, there is no road
Only wakes in the sea.”