Monday, March 31, 2014

Confession #17

My day in court cannot come soon enough. I'm ready to "spit fire" and "damn the torpedos."
More catty emails from Ex and Ratface. How they can call themselves "Christian" is beyond me.
This last week was my babies spring concert at school. I kindly shared the information with Ex and he and Ratface showed! Imagine that.
Afterwards I went into the hallway to lather my daughter with praise and kisses only to be cut off by Ratface as Ex looked on. I wanted to grab her fat round body and kick her to the curb but love of my daughter curbed my desire and I stood by until "she" finished playing "mommy."
It's funny. They don't want to be there for any of the day in, day out requirements of parenting but they'll be there with bells on if it means they get to be in the spotlight and garner some good-time memories.
Now Ex, in his email, accuses me of undermining him and urges me to not punish our daughters.
I'm so tired of being under-estimated and treated like a low-life criminal.
I will never have my ending like the movies. The judge will not wave his gavel at Ex and shame him, ordering him to make restituion in full, plus 20 percent and give me all I asked for. He won't order Ratface to wear a sign for a month of every year that says, "BEWARE! I'm an abusive, jealous Bitch dressed in church clothing, and I'm a menace to society." And my children will not run up to me knowing all I've sacrificed for them.
My children will never know the pain I suffer keeping my mouth shut to protect them and the strength and courage it takes to say nice things about their father.
No, I won't have it. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'll have. The day of "mediation" looms near and court will follow, I'm sure.
What I do have seems insignificant but who can place a price on integrity, self-respect and virtue? Those are my traits, my gifts, my tools. They help me go another day hoping one day...One day maybe my children will realize in some part all I've endured for them.
Until then...Easter is coming. I believe resurrection is in the air. Maybe even mine.

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