Confession #4

When I first left my marriage seven years ago I had people tell me to not believe anything he said, especially promises he made. Even seven years down the road. I was advised to go for the jugular, and don't look back. I was warned that he would do things that were, "out of character," and that I wouldn't recognize him. To my embarrassment, I confess I didn't heed a single warning. After all, I had been married to this man most of my adult life. We shared the highs and lows of life. We had children together, and bought our first home... together. Certainly I knew this man better than any of these jaded opinionists who claimed to know my future regarding divorce.
If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self that he's not even the shadow of the man I thought I'd married. That the reasons that caused me to leave him in the first place were but a mole hill compared to the person I deal with today. To stop mothering, and nurturing him as I had throughout our marriage and let him take care of his own needs. That the delusion of an amiable, and respectful divorce that put our children's needs ahead of our own were just that, delusions.

Statistics:

• A woman leaves her marriage an average of seven times before she actually divorces/leaves him permanently. Personally, I don't remember. Seven sounds about right.
• A woman stays because the abuser will frequently promise that it will never happen again; she wants to believe that this is true. My experience, it was never true.
• An abuser rarely has a criminal record. Mine didn't.
• The cycle of abuse: Tension building > Violence > Honeymoon/Reconciliation > Tension begins to build again and the cycle repeats.

- Information courtesy of www.capsa.org

I want to be clear that there are many good men out there who have suffered at the hands of a woman. My experience however is as a woman, and for that reason alone speak from a woman's perspective.
The temptation is high to hate the opposite sex and blame their gender for a conglomeration of things, if not everything. Being the mother of boys I chose to resist this generalization. I found, in doing so, that it improved the quality of my healing process, and aided in my ability to see flawed individuals, and not flawed genders.
Bottom line...I will never regret trying to be a healthy, kind person towards the man whom fathered my children however, I will forever regret thinking that I knew him best. That I did not heed the warnings so kindly offered, and that I didn't realize that while I knew him in the role of a married man, I knew nothing of the man going through separation and divorce.



*Opinionists, I realize, is not a real word but I liked it so please forgive the self-indulgence.

Confession #3

I left religion about the same time that I left my marriage which translates into several years. This weekend my "baby" will be baptized and her father, who strangled his teenage son, will be performing the baptism. Bite tongue. It is at this event that I will be meeting the future step-mother of my children. Their father has done a very good job of keeping us apart.
I've mixed emotions. If she's kind and genuine I can overlook the fact that she is 15 years younger, only gave birth once, doesn't have wrinkles, and most likely still has perky breasts. If she is catty, and insincere, then I will find it difficult to be in her presence. She has already tried to offer me, via the ex, co-parenting advice. Together, this week, they have tried to prevent me from participating in my daughters special day and, while I don't know their motives or intentions, I think it's safe to say that my feelings, and position as the mother are not a concern.
I know that the fiancé is going to have her parents there as her mother is in the program so I wonder who else I can look forward to meeting. I've thought of every critical thought or comment that anyone could have regarding me and I have to say I feel pretty beat up. Shame on me. 
Honestly, I have a ton of thoughts, and feelings about this. I've known it was coming since February and while I wanted to lose weight for the event and be at my best I will be showing up with silver roots and only five pounds lighter. I hate that I'm not able to just let it go. People I've tried to talk to about it don't get it. They think I should just get over it and move on. After all, for several years he's been wanting me to remarry him and I not once faltered in my rejection of him. He's finally moved on...yay. So why does it feel like I'm the one that has been rejected? Why does it hurt that he's found someone 15 years younger? Why am I so threatened by someone who is so blind as to marry someone with a pending trial for domestic violence and assault?
I wish I could answer those questions because I'd share them with you. The only answer I do have is bottom line, I am who I am and this is what it is. I'm there for my daughter and her baptism and that is it. There will be no drama, at least from me, and I will do everything I can to be kind and gracious even though I feel like I'm the one walking into the lions den.

Confession #2

I've been legally divorced for several years. In that time my ex has repeatedly asked me to come back to him with my answer consistently containing one consonant, and one vowel. This last January he started dating a woman who was born when he was 15, and that was preparing for her Sweet 16 birthday when I was pregnant with our second child. It means that this younger, shinier, newer model has come along and enchanted my two little girls, 8 & 12. And that when their father came to get them this last Friday and announced that they were getting married on the 31st of this month, our wedding month, and my baby started jumping up and down with excitement, I wanted to kick her feet out from under her. Instead I just stood there and smiled congratulating him.  Couldn't they get their own month? I wondered.  I guess my 'best wishes' encouraged him because he asked me to keep the kids that weekend after the wedding so they could have a honeymoon. He didn't say, "honeymoon." He didn't have to.
One would question whether I was still in love with him. I'm not. I am, however, in love with the idea of love, marriage, and family. As I sat in my living room later that night, numb, I realized the final nail has been placed and it's time to bury the past. I cried for what would never be, could never be, not with him. I mourned time lost, dreams dashed, and crazy ideas like, he'd get help for his problems.
So now I pass the torch on to an unsuspecting, foolish young woman who refuses to deal with what is in front of her. Whose own marriage ended in adultery leaving her with unresolved issues of her own, yet wants to jump blindly into a life with a man she only pretends to know. A man whom she defends in spite of his arrest three short months ago for strangling his teenage son. A man who very well may likely strangle her nine year old son when he too becomes the same age our sons were when his abuse of them started.
What's the saying, "When one door closes, another opens?" Well, I believe that is me walking out and her walking in. I'll leave mine unlocked...she's going to need it.

Confession #1

Why do I refer to myself in French as a bunny?
When I first left my ex I took my children to counseling to support them in this wild journey popularly known as, "Divorce." When the counselor asked my children to think of an animal that represents their parents my oldest daughters answer, who was six at the time, meant the most to me. She first described her daddy as a dragon because, "He is big and loud." She then said her mother, moi, is a bunny because, "she wont fight."
In the days that followed me leaving the dragon I worked very hard to not fight in front of the children for obvious reasons. I walked away, if I could, or just stood there and calmly asked him to leave trying to tune out his verbal onslaught.  I remember my baby, who was 18 months, holding on to my leg crying and I, trying to console her as the dragon exhausted his flame thrower.
Knowing that my children noticed my efforts made my resolve that much stronger.
As for why I use French...because j'aime le français.

Disclaimer...I Googled le français so please don't presume I speak it. One day, but not today.