Since the last confession I spent a month abroad - it changed me forever. I cannot get enough of it.
Ex now has two ex's...lol. Ratface continued to harass me, belittle me, and attempt to make my life more like hell than it already was. I guess I won (?).
I settled out of court the day before court with Ex. My adult children were willing to testify against their father but I knew - for two of them - it was not what they preferred.
In addition to having Ex harassing me, my attorney, who used up my inheritance without seeing a single day in court, kept trying to talk me out of it. It was very hard fighting against them both but when ex agreed to his sister never seeing our children AND giving me both legal and physical custody - I had to settle.
It hurts, even at this writing, to think about; tears sting my eyes and burn burn my senses.
For so long I visualized my day in court and to a certain extent I feel like I let myself down. Truth be known, it was the fear of owing my attorney more money and mine was all gone. That was it. She was not going to fight for me...This $400/hour attorney that I knew was my dog in the fight - turned her fangs on me and with a smile - counted the reasons why I shouldn't go to court.
During this last year, I was in a car accident that totaled my car - my fault. Five days later I slipped and hit my head on hard ice and my already rattled brain sustained a significant concussion the week before finals. I failed one of my finals but fortunately because of good grades - I passed the class.
The following semester was excruciating. Trying to absorb anything with a concussion when my short-term memory and communication skills had been impacted so hard - it's a miracle I graduated - with honors no less.
Now I have relocated away from ex, I started a new job with a boss who is a highly dysfunctional bitch in her own class - I continue to struggle.
But here's the thing. It's a different struggle. Yeah, I would love for someone to come along and solve my problems...kind of. I wish Prince Charming would save the day...not really.
What I want is to become so good at what I do, so confident in who I am and what I bring to the table, that I call the shots.
I don't want anyone fixing me or saving my day because then it is they who earn the titles and ribbons and I am still the same - unchanged. I live for that change. That moment that I know I am more today than I was yesterday. That knowing that I just advanced a new level and though it means the fight is tougher - It also means I am tougher, stronger, smarter, more capable, more of who I aim to be.
This is my life. This is my "game" and I've gotten myself this far damn it. I am going to keep fighting and not look back.
My boss is a lesson. She's providing me an opportunity to develop a thicker skin, a quicker mind and constant fuel not to give up the fight.
My confession #21?
I've had sex after years of going without and it was amazing - yes. But it wasn't what I really want/need. Have you any idea what that is?
Love, intimacy, companionship, trust, significance, confidence, joy, faith, fun, accomplishment, friendship, adventure and so much more.
Sex is significant and I'm glad I did it. BUT - if I have learned anything over these past three years - it's that I have to provide that for myself.
I know - not as satisfying as the end I have in mind but - I'm not near the end. Death is my end and so having said that...I hope you'll follow me at my new blog, "Waking Aphrodite." It's my journey from the ashes, from the rubble and the process of embracing the qualities only found in a sleeping goddess.
